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Can
you be friends with your ex?
by Christopher DeLorenzo
Last
year, my ex-boyfriend Ricky came to visit after living in Germany
for three years. I was excited to see him and glad that he contacted
me, but I'll also admit I was hoping we might get ... reacquainted,
so to speak.
It
was one of those times in my life when I was dating infrequently,
and I was lonely for that kind of affection. But I had to remind
myself that the main reason I love Ricky is not because we had great
sex together, but because I always had fun with him. Ricky engages
me intellectually and really hears me; he also makes me laugh.
As
we sat in my apartment, listening to music and catching up, I caught
a few glimpses of his flat, smooth stomach (he was wearing a tight,
untucked shirt), and although I found that slightly erotic, something
in me shifted that night: I discovered that I would always find
Ricky attractive but that I didn't want to love him that way anymore.
We
had made a conscious decision to be friends, and I didn't want anything
to jeopardize that.
Can
you ever truly be friends with an ex?
That's what my friend Suzanne has asked me several times. And she
doesn't mean in the superficial way either; she's talking about
deep, caring friendships. And I think you can. It depends, of course,
on how deeply you were involved and also the circumstances surrounding
your break-up.
I will
never be able to be friends with some of my ex-boyfriends (you know
who you are) because the elements that are necessary for a friendship
never existed in our intimate relationship. Those elements are trust,
compassion and mutual respect. Without them, you have a connection
based on lust, superficiality or dependence, and that is not the
recipe for a healthy relationship — and certainly not a friendship.
Crossing
the line
Now my friend Jerry has quite a few friends with whom he has stepped
"over the line." These are men whom I've met, and many
are still his acquaintances — some are close friends.
"It
just didn't work out that way for us," Jerry likes to say,
and for him, that's the whole story. He was able to say, "Let's
be friends," before anything got out of hand. I admire him
for it. Honesty has been the foundation for these friendships, so
they started off on the right foot. It also explains why so many
of his friends are so attractive, but that's another story.
For
me, Jerry's experience proves that you can cross back over the line
of intimacy and return to friendship if you have established a friendship
in the first place. Some of my most intense intimate relationships
should have been friendships only, and if we had truly been friends
first we might still be friends today. Terry reminds me it's a conscious
effort, and Ricky reminds me it's possible. It would be nice if
it just wasn't so damn hard sometimes.
Can
you be friends with your ex? by Christopher DeLorenzo
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